Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I disagree with my politics
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.