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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
✨☝️✨
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?