Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers