[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
You Might Also Like
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime