Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

my professor scared me for a second

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.