Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…