Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Unmatched

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

A fake ID that makes you younger

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.