Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beware of the dog..

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

😭😭😭

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there