Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before