Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!