Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

Same post same

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”