Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”