Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around
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One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
this is the news I live for
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
2022 will be better than 2021
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.