Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around
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Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
A bold strategy
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters