Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

He wanted to make sure😂

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

brian had himself a morning…

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.