[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
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MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
realest tweet ever.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.