Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

back to work

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.