Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Monday
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.