Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
you will never know the true number of layers
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!