meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs