meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The Sun
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
WHO DID THIS?
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?