meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.