Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My dad teaching me to drive
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Okay, I’m still confused…
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous