Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
bro what is going on at twitter
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”