Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Last night someone was sharing how their great grandpa passed away and when they said “he was shot through the heart” it took every brain cell i have not to say “and you’re to blame”

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!