Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]