Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.