Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda