Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

Phonetics

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.