Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Any refunds available?…

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?