Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

I did not eat the cake…

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

Oh hi lol

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.