Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My Plans 2020
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes