Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
A game married people play.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you