Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”