Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet