Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken