What do you hear?
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.