me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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I need a headline like this
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
For the baby who has everything
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer