Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

same vibe as tangled headphones

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

The Eggorcist

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Happens to everyone.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

certified hallow’s eve classic

I love you…

…r dog.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”