Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kidney stones? Hard pass

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.