Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.