medusa but her hair is an anaconda
You Might Also Like
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics