medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
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I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?