Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Finished stitching this today 😇

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Friday night party time 🥳

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.