Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.