Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
john wicks are toilet candles
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.