Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

spot the difference

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.