Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
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Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I Can’t Tonight…
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
