Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
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I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It鈥檚 such a perfect setup.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
classic mixup
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I鈥檓 really worried about you.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*pays $2100 to have 17鈥檚 wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 馃槼
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…