[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?