Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

The honesty is refreshing

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.