[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?