Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
some things should go without saying
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.