Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

My wedding will be open casket.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

Who’s ready for Friday?!

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*