Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
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We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?