Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
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Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.