Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*