Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
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*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK