Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.