Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

Did a trash talking tree write this?

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.