Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor