[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
You Might Also Like
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
yea so i messed up lol
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato