[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Still a very good boi….
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?