Meeeee too!
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Saturday
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.