Meeeee too!
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?