Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

you’re damn right i have

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.