Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

i choose….tongue

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

Good morning y’all ☀️

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat