Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

I don’t believe him.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.