Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.