Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3