Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
You Might Also Like
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you