Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
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*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
This January has 47 Mondays
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”