Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

My first son he is wonderful

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”