Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Found my door mat
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.