Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Why I divorced her.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…