Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.