Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.