MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
eggs benadryl
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.