Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15