Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Voting is the worst group project

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”