Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

love it when they get my name right

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation